Disclaimer: This is a satirical post in no way related to the real commandments. 

I bet you love your Social Anxiety. You chummy up to it the moment you sense its presence, walking hand in hand proudly towards your group of friends, like a lover showing off his prized mate. And, of course, you call it up right before you’re about to walk into the high-end restaurant where all your co-workers are celebrating a promotion. You make sure it attends all the important events in your life. Social Anxiety, in turn, reciprocates your love right back. You two can’t seem to separate yourselves from each other. You’re both hooked and addicted to the uncertainty of each situation you find yourself in.

I mean, WHO ARE YOU without each other?

Would you be able to lead the same uncertain and worrisome life you currently do now? Would you be comfortable not overthinking everything all the time? What about all that internal judgment you’d be missing out on? It’s easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side, but once you’re stripped naked and laid out bare in the cold because Social Anxiety is out of your life, how would you even recognize yourself? Sometimes it’s easy to forget what one brings to the table until they’re no longer there.

There are 5 Social Anxiety commandments you need to abide by forever. Whenever you feel like there’s too much distance between the two of you, read these to rebuild your bond. When you read it, remember it’s written from Social Anxiety’s perspective.

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Here are the 5 Social Anxiety commandments.

Branded in stone, to remind you of all that’s good.

First Commandment – Thou Shalt Fall Into The Comparison Trap

Contrary to the studies circulating town, Social Media is a boon. Use it as much as you possibly can, as it will guide you in the right direction. The most effective way to use it is to endlessly scroll on influencers’ accounts as that’s when the friction occurs, just like magic. To get the best experience, once you fall into the trap of absorbing everything you can about someone’s life, make sure you compare yourself to them. As seeds of doubt creep into your mind when you’re out and about living your life, our bond strengthens. Please do this as often as possible to maintain the connection between us. Taking a break from Social Media is a breach of contract and a failure to follow the first commandment of Social Anxiety.

Second Commandment – Thou Shalt Maintain The Highest Expectations

With each conversation you have, you must hold yourself to the highest standard possible. Stuttering, mumbling, or stumbling on your words is unacceptable behavior as it falls below expectations. Keeping a dictionary at hand is the proper protocol to infuse the right word at the right time in the right conversation. Should you succumb to the above-mentioned behavior, I’ll abandon your side and leave you to your own devices as I operate at the highest degree. If you question yourself during a conversation and choose to remain silent to save face, I’ll be there to hold your hand in approval. Every action needs to be carefully planned, and every word needs to be carefully articulated, else the second commandment shall be broken.

Third Commandment – Remember The Negative Judgment

Every action, word, gesture, and side glance that’s perceived as “abnormal” shall be stored properly in your memory folders. This ensures that in any similar future situation, you’ll react accordingly in the same manner. You’ll hold on to these experiences and scenarios and replay them in your head throughout your days, seeing them from your inner lens. By doing so, you’ll better understand how people perceive you and how you can act around them. You must translate all of the actions, words, gestures, and side glances into negative judgment to keep the third commandment intact.

Fourth Commandment – Honor The Fixed Mindset

It is with great force that change occurs, so having a fixed mindset is a safe bet. Honor it. It will keep you safe and restrict you from taking too many risks outside of your comfort zone, which is the biggest no-no out of all the commandments. As long as you trust that our relationship is mutually beneficial, you will protect your mind from frivolous thoughts such as “getting out there,” “expanding your shell,” or “pushing your boundaries.” Resorting to believing in a growth mindset will set us back significantly and interfere with the fourth commandment.

Fifth Commandment – Thou Shalt Internalize Everything

Remember that you’re not crazy to take things personally. Whenever someone makes you feel left out, or they’re direct with you, it’s out of a personal vendetta. Rarely do people react unconsciously towards others, which is why you have to internalize their actions. This will help you adjust your own attitude towards those individuals. It’s futile to try and resolve any internal conflict you might have since the reality is that you were targeted. Believing that others don’t realize what they’re doing or being absorbed in their own matters violates the fifth amendment.

There they are, the five Social Anxiety commandments, ready to be embodied. By living under these and abiding by them, you’ll happily continue progressing with Social Anxiety. There are plenty of new adventures ahead of you and many years of companionship to go, but only if you stick by these commandments.

I promise your life will be that much better for it.

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That is the end of the satirical post. I thought I’d put Social Anxiety in a new light to show how detrimental and all-encompassing it can be for many of us. While this post is meant to be light-hearted, the truth isn’t very far off in each sentence. Most of us who have experienced Social Anxiety can identify with many aspects of its stronghold, so it was important for me to put that on paper in such a manner. We all fall into the trap of these five Social Anxiety commandments, and I hope that after reading this post, you’re more aware of when it happens to you to take steps to control it.

Because you are NOT what Social Anxiety makes you out to be.